13 Strange Things a Guy does in the Bathroom

Disclaimer: some people might consider some of these things “gross”, or something to that effect. If you are easily insulted or in any way disturbed by bathroom humor, please just refrain from reading the list. I say this because I respect the spectrum of opinions as to whether this type of stuff is funny. I don’t think anything here is wildly inappropriate, but yes, “poop” is mentioned a handful of times. Fair warning. By reading this, and still choosing to continue, you have waived the right to get upset.

1. Pees, with a stream of great force, on the inside wall of the toilet bowl.

There are two reasons for doing this. One is when there’s a little something stuck on the porcelain. It can delay the need to clean by at least three months. Another is out of respect for the quiet of the night, avoiding an Iguazu-like splashing which would disturb any sleeping housemates.

2. Flushes toilet while still peeing, and then races his pee against the water of the flush.

Timing is everything here—that and a finely-tuned sensitivity to the fullness of your bladder. Those very slow-flushing toilets make this experience all the more exhilarating.

3. Brushes teeth while peeing.

You can shave at least 18 seconds off your bathroom time by doing this. That’s 18 extra seconds of sleep. Or 36 extra seconds if you do it morning and night. That’s 3.65 extra hours of sleep per year. Plus you just feel very accomplished. A great way to start and end the day.

4. Wonders when that toothpaste he paid an extra $1.50 for is going to make his teeth whiter, like it promises to on the tube.

I don’t know how many times I need to fall for this before I stop believing it will work. F you, carbamide peroxide. And F you, Tom’s of Main. You got me again. (Some might consider this a stereotypical female thing, but guys are self-conscious, too. We just don't want you to know that.)

5. Thinks about flossing.

6. Thanks the scientists who invented 3-in-1 body wash.

But questions whether any of those three are working the way they should be, while he hopefully awaits the 4-in-1, which would function as body wash, shampoo, conditioner, and toothpaste.

7. Thinks how he might be the best athlete on the planet when the bar of soap slips out of his hand in the shower, but he catches it before it hits the ground.

"Jerry Rice would have never caught that shit.”

8. Experiments with different facial hair before eventually shaving everything clean.

I can’t speak from experience, because I don’t get enough facial hair, but there’s no way I wouldn’t do this.

9. Weighs himself before and after a poop.

Any change over 1 lb. might be worth texting a friend about.

10. Makes comparisons between his poop and things that aren’t poop.

e.g. Cheetos (both crunchy and puffed), Professor Quirrell’s head wrap, chocolate-covered raisins, frozen yogurt, Stonehenge, tadpoles, Ray Romano’s face, etc.

11. Questions why some poops only require one wipe, and why there isn’t enough toilet paper on earth for others.

It’s one of those things that will never be understood. Sometimes, as Andy of Parks and Rec puts it, “It’s like I’m wiping a marker or something.”

12. Watches a full season of Scrubs.

Shout-out to a good friend of mine. You’re a sick puppy.

13. Pats himself on the back for washing his hands.

If soap is used, forget about it. They should give you a medal of merit for that kind of heroism.